I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
