just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
