She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
you inspire me to be a worse person
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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