she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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