I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
