the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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