Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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