If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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