Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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