why didn't you poke me back
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
