i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Randomize
