I have demons in me.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Randomize
