she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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