I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
