just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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