i just wanna soil my oats bro
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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