I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
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