Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
