Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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