I wish my penis had an off switch
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize