Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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