just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
