she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
