I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
