yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
