Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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