I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
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