I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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