I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize