I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
