Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
