My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
