I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
You ate ashes out of my bong
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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