it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
