And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
