I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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