Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
