I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
