I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
