Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
