No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
You're like the curious george of whores
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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