sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
My ATM looks so different sober.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
