I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
