It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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