I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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