So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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