my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
