So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
