i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
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