I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
