i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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