Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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