So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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