im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
