I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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