my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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