My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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