Joe is yelling at the trees again.
high people should be assigned attendants
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
