how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize