I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
we're so committed to being not committed
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