Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
