I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
did i walk over a car last night?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
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