On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
