why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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