apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Green mimosas i think yes
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
